ada sesuatu…

Entah kenapa aku tiba-tiba merasakan

Satu ruang kosong yang amat sunyi

Seperti ada sesuatu 

Yang amat menganggu fikiran

dan mengusik perasaan yang muram

Kosong… terasa kehilangan & keseorangan

Kulihat di sekeliling ruang sempit ini

Sepi.

Yang ada cuma aku yang sendiri

Ku perlukan teman bicara

Teman berkongsi suka duka

Teman yang bisa memahami

Walau tanpa suara

Terasa sesak nafas menahan rasa

Bertanya aku pada hati

Kepada siapa harus ku kongsi

Rasa kosong ini

Dan aku sedari 

Cuma satu yang pasti

Hanya DIA MAHA memahami

Jiwa hambaNYA ini….

~Selamat Berpuasa Semua!~

Aku. Dia. Dan… Cinta pertama.

Yerr.. macam tajuk novel. Kan best kalau hidup kiter nih cam novel kan… Tapi, realitinya pernah tak jumpa citer yang betul2 cam novel? Gadis miskin jupe lelaki kaya. Kawen. = happily ever after… Pernah jumpa? Pernah? Aku belum… Ada ker realiti camtu?

Well… Dia. Cinta pertama.

DIA.. boleh di consider kan as “cinta pertama”. Aku pernah citer pasal DIA dalam blog yg sudah2. Sapa rajin, carik laa yang mana… hehehe..

Kenapa tiba2 aku nak citer pasal DIA?

Sebab aku rasa aku memang tak boleh lupa langsung kat DIA. Hampir 10 tahun.. Aku masih ingat semuanya. Dari awal kenal sampai ke akhirnya DIA pergi.

Masih terasa patahnya hati ini hingga aku terus berhenti keje di tempat baru. Masih terkesan sepinya bila aku terus menjadi kosong dan sambung study kat Shah Alam. Yer… Semuanya kerana DIA.

Tapi, aku tak pernah salahkan DIA. Antara lelaki2 yang pernah hadir dalam hati, cuma DIA seorang saja yang aku benar2 dapat rasakan KEIKHLASAN & KEJUJURAN dalam relationship. Hanya  DIA seorang.

Baru2 ni, dengan ACCESS yang ada, aku carik DIA. Memang jumpa. DIA sorang saja yang  bernama DIA. Ambik masa lama jugak aku nak try contact balik. SEBAB?

1) Walaupun DIA tak pernah jemput aku. Tapi. aku pasti sangat2 yang DIA dah kawen. Jadik, aku tak nak menimbulkan rasa kurang manis kat wife DIA walaupun aku tak der niat langsung pun nak kacau rumahtangga DIA.

Ermmm.. tu je laa pun sebabnya.

Jadi, aku decide tak nak contact DIA. Biar lah semuanya berlalu. Berbulan lamanya aku cuba lupakan.

Tapi, dalam masa yang sama aku NAK sgt2 bercakap dengan DIA. Sampai aku boleh pk apa2 jer yang ada related dgn DIA adalah HINT untuk aku contact DIA (just a reason 4 me to feel better). Contoh yang terbaru = Masa tengah sembang ngan caller n check address dia, aku notice address caller aku tu sama ngan address DIA dulu. Address yang sering aku utuskan surat yang bersetem.

Hmm… Setelah penat berperang dengan diri sendiri. Dipendekkan cerita.

Akhirnya… Aku dapat bercakap dengan DIA.

DIA memang dah tak berapa nak ingat kat aku. SEDIH. Dan DIA memang dah kawen. Anak 2.

Tak tahu kenapa, masa sembang dengan DIA malam tu… Aku benar2 rasa jauh.

He is actually so NEAR but yet so FAR.

DIA. Memang cinta pertama aku. TAPI, aku BUKAN cinta pertama DIA.

AI, May you & your family live HappILY eVer After….

Sincerely,

Munajat cinta seorang Nisa…

Malam ini ku sendiri.

Tak ada yang menemani.

Seperti malam2 yang sudah2.

Hati ini selalu sepi.

Tak ada yang menghiasi.

Seperti cinta ini yang selalu pupus.

Tuhan kirimkanlan aku. Kekasih yang BAIK HATI. Yang mencintai aku apa adanya.

Mawar ini semakin layu.

Tak ada yang memiliki.

Seperti aku ini semakin pupus.

Tuhan kirimkanlah aku. Kekasih yang BAIK HATI. Yang mencintai aku apa adanya.

Ntah berapa kali agaknya aku dok dengar lagu nih sejak masuk CC.

Mungkin kalau aku nyanyi selalu2… ianya akan dikabulkan. Hehe….

Amin…

Kenapa?

Mungkin aku tengah ada attitude, mental & soul problem sekarang ni. Kalau aku cerita pada orang apa problem aku sekarang, aku pasti 100% daripada mereka akan kata/fikir salah satu atau salah dua atau salah tiga atau salah semua atau berapa salah yang mereka nak kata/fikir daripada yang berikut;

1.  Aku tak bersyukur dengan apa yang aku ada.

2. Aku tamak dan apa yang aku plan nak buat itu akan menyusahkan orang lain dan juga diri aku sendiri.

3. Aku tak reti nak bersabar.

4. Aku ni tak nak fikir panjang… fikir masa depan..

5. Aku ni memilih sangat…

6. Aku ni malas…

7. Aku ni tak berapa nak bijak.. bangang… bengang… bingung…

8. Kenapa aku nak bersaing dengan budak2 fresh grad. Dah ada keje tu, keje jer laa..

9. OK laa keje tu… apa lagi yang aku nak?

10. Kenapa blablabla…. kenapa blurrblurrblurr.. kenapa blobloblo…. kenapa etc. etc. etc.

Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa????????????????????

So… baik aku diam dan buat saja apa yang aku nak. Pedulikan apa kata orang.

Hidup hanya sekali. Dan entah sampai bila……….

I am sad. Yeahhh… whatever…

i am sad. i dunno why i feel sad. i think i m sad because this morning i was kantoi by Mr somebody in this company for coming late to office. I m not intentionally did that. but it just happened. and i don’t feel like want to defend myself because it is  useless (there was a reason why but i know it is useless and will be used against me). Of course… he is somebody and i am nobody. Whatever I said will use in the court… COURT? Err.. I admit my mistake and starting tomorrow i’ll try to come as early as the sun rises. so.. that Mr somebody will never have a chance to question my tardiness. But.. i still sad anyway. i sad because then, that Mr somebody said that I don’t understand and dats why I come late (yeahh,, maybe i m too dumb and deaf to understand something as easy as coming early or on time to office) and because of that we will get our own time recorder aka punch card slot very soon + call divert services so that every calls will be attended eventhough I am in the jamban or pasar malam. And if  i am ‘lucky’, i will also get a warning letter? Lucky? Yeah.. whatever…

And yet I still feel kind of sad actually. Now, I m sad because there was a man – (a friend of a friend would like to introduce him to me or me to him – whichever u prefer) don’t want to get to know me because he said he don’t know me and he prefer to know someone who he already knew. Hahaha.. he is so funny! I m not sad because he don’t want to know me (maybe he have his own reason.. well I don’t care), but i m sad because he actually is so pathetic.  He is so pathetic because I thought a KIND guy like him (my assumption after read his blog – i thinks he is a religious and kind guy ) is really choosy to choose a friend? JUST A FRIEND? (Don’t worry… I also don’t really have the strength and believe to have or to start a new relationship at the moment). Well… maybe he thinks that I will desperately want to marry him after i know him? Yeahhh… Whatever…

To Danial’s Mummy, Lex laa… aku tak marah ko pun… I am just sad. Hehehe….

I am not mean but…

 

… HE made me to be the one.

I m sick of crying over a MAN who doesn’t even know how to appreciate a woman.

Sometimes i just don’t understand WHY….

- a man hardly to accept a woman’s weakness but never look at himself…

- when a woman want to share @ communicate, he can’t even bothered. And then easily said “owhh.. u tak pandai jaga i..” huh..?!! How we know without u telling me? WTF!!?

- he give unreasonable reasons for just want to make him feel not guilty after hurting/dumping a very faithful woman?

- then he said the woman was not sincere when giving all those token of loves on his birthday, anniversary and etc. While he NEVER remember even one of it…? Do we ever ask for the gift when what we need is just his care and love?

- he just say SORRY for marrying other woman where the faithful woman just knowing it after a while… after been shocked to death when heard a woman’s voice answering his hp in the middle of the night? -> GTH with all those sweet promises… (during early phase of the relationship)

and till now, i m still cursing him….

I am not mean but…..

Only God knows WHY.

Maafkan aku….

Maafkan aku, Tuhan

Atas dosa yang pernah aku lakukan

Sungguh takkan aku nafikan

Yang kadang aku sering mengalpakan

Suruhanmu

Dan mengerjakan

Laranganmu….

Maafkan aku, mak ayah

Atas silap yang pernah aku adakan

Sungguh bukan niatku

Khianati rasa percaya itu

Atau ingin menjarakkan kasih

Yang ada antara kita

Cuma kadang aku

Tidak mampu bertahan

Dan terus bertahan…..

Maafkan aku, teman

Atas keterbatasan masa

Yang dapat kita luangkan bersama

Atas ingatan yang sering terlupa

Sungguh kadang aku tak mampu

Penuhi apa mahumu dariku

Namun hanya satu aku ingin kalian tahu

Kalian tetap kawan ketawaku, sahabat tangisku, teman sejiwaku,

Hingga saatnya nanti

Aku mati…

Hepi 30th besday to me…

Ya well… at last i reach this age. New front number – 3! (Hope this will be the lucky number..)

Thanks God - make me still breathing. Thanks mak n ayah for being my parents. Thanks to my brothers n sisters to accept me as ur sister (they have to.. what to do.. hehe). Thanks to unties n uncles, kazens and all other families and relatives for whatever I should be thank for. To my friends, who always be at my side when I need them… who can’t always be at my side.. also thank you so much because still consider me as a friend… (i understand that we can’t be like before). To my coll at work, Thank you to you all too… (for the birthday celebration – in advance.. hehe). To anyone who know me. To them who wish me. Thank you…

If only I can choose a life. I will still choose this one. Eventhough I have to been through all the failures & frustration in life, I am still good  because all of you still be around me…

Love u all… Muahhh… Muahhh…

Who actually U want me to marry with?

I don’t mean to be rude but that question is always been asked to God by me.

Why?

Before I answer that, let me explain about myself.

I know that i am not a good person and not even perfect. But I do try to be the good one. I never give up to be that kind of person eventhough sometimes I just take it easy or sometimes I forget about it.

Ok. My answer is as folllows. (Note : This kind of feeling is never ever been expressed before in my blog and this is not to get sympathy from anyone. It just that I want to get some strength by writing something)

Aku bercinta dah banyak kali. OK, lets count the official relationship i had (siap ada yg tak official tu.. haha). Errmmm.. that boy… that guy.. plus that man… errmm… TIGA jerr.. Ok, not official . (note: my unofficial relationship is refer to the relationship yg baru2 nak jadik.. ada bunga2 dah jadik & actually ianya sudah terjadik tanpa disedari… but then bila sedar2.. ianya dah tak jadik.. hehe) Errmm.. well… dlm 10??? Duhh… But this doesn’t mean that i am easily or desperately falling in love but i just want to take the risk and be positive in love. Unfortunately… all of them is not my destiny which i thought they were at the beginning of those love dramas. And the most horrible part is I am always be the one who has been dumped. Pathetic, huh..?

Well… When all the dumping scene happen, everyone near me and even mysely will say that he is not the right 1 for me. I will meet HIM one day. And everytime I meet some1 new, I wll give him and the relationship chance to grow. But towards the end, the ending will be the same ending as the previous relationship. Reason given? Various… and most alike is they usually have someone else and will choose her rather than me.

All these make me think, what is actually wrong with me? Is that a ‘reward’ that i should receive for the sins that I have done? Hmm.. I just take it as “YES”

Don’t tell me that God actually have Plan for me because I already knew that answer. Only that when the same thing keep on happening to me… it  makes me really give up & hopeless with my relationship life. Thats all.

I tell myself that I will recover from my current broken heart soon.

Till that time… just let me be….